When your mom isn't Superwomen any more...

That moment in your life when your mother lets you down. She is superwomen with the wind on her wings, and then suddenly she’s down on the ground. She was everything I could have asked for; grace, beauty, and poise. Successful in all the things that mattered: a colorful kaleidoscope of perfection. But there were hidden cracks, deeper then anyone else could see. The blemishes hidden behind a perfect face of makeup. And one day the mask was gone, and each dark spot started to rise to the surface. My mother was everything I ever wanted to be in a women, but then all the sudden, she wasn’t. I was raised by my mother, to be strong, proud, and independent. And I am… I grew strong, tough and I didn’t let myself ever feel beneath anyone. And people would echo these traits in their opinions of me. I was always the “strong” girl, the one people can turn to, holding her head high. And I think my love was so deep, and my image so distorted, slathered by rose colored glasses and laced with ambrosia, that the idea she couldn’t stand for me in those small moments when I couldn’t stand for myself hurt the most. But she couldn’t, that wasn’t who she was. My mother could not fight for me. Even when I broke down and asked her to, she still couldn’t. And it was in that moment in my life when I realized that you give people a piece of your heart, yes it can and will be broken. That Superwomen is just a women and that perfection is dimmed with time.

But I think love is giving your heart to them again anyway.  So freely it was given, but this time with scars. Holes, where spaces of naiveté were once filled and wounds that left you a little harder then before. And yes, sometimes, you need someone to fight for you. To pull you along and drag your kicking feet. They will batter your walls and lay claim to your soul, because everyone needs a champion. And no, maybe my mom isn’t mine. But I have found them in others and for now that will be enough. And I am petrified of doing the same thing to my daughter. Because that day will come. When the magic that your mother holds will die just a little bit.

And we will fight and I will cry and she will scream and I will love her with a passion that makes the heavens tremble and the Gods cry in fear, and so I know I will do her right. And my mothers weaknesses strengthen me, I was to be a beckon of defense. And I take pride in what she has made me; I will grow more and my love will expand and I will write and love and laugh and live.

But right now my heart hurts… and I want to pull my hair out, let my cruel fury consume my world, but instead I let the sobs wreck my body, my chin trembling and I breath. And I steady my self and once again, I am in control. Strong, and that moment of weakness is over I am through being that girl. I won’t ever let anyone bring me that low again, including myself, because only I am left with my face in the mirror, so I will make sure I proud to see it.

If I Should Have A Daughter...

Hey guys, I know I said I was going to mostly only be reviewing books on here and so far I've done almost anything but, my excuse- FINALS ( and a small dosage of laziness). Any-who, hopefully after Finals I will have a lot more time to read and review. For now though, I wanted to share a poem that I wrote for AP English. The assignment was to write 10 things we know to be true and then if we wanted to , address it to a future daughter/son/anyone else thats we can force to listen to us and influence with our words of wisdom :) Let me know what you think , I wrote it to be read as a spoken word poem but it can be read as an essay as well <3 let me know what you think!!

If I should have a daughter I would tell her that I love her- that my first words as I hold her in my arms will have been “I love you” whispered on a breath that holds all the reverence for miracles in this world in three simple words.

 I will be the mom that will cuddle and squeeze till she begs me to stop embarrassing her in front of her friends and I will empty every drop of love and unconditional devotion into her soul till she knows just how much this world loves and needs her.

  I will tell her the things my parents told me, small adage’s of wisdom I happened to catch when I am not too busy trying to get all my own words and instead really listened - that family always comes first and you can always count on your family to be there for you. But! I would remind her to be careful, never hurt the people that love you, because you only hurt yourself more in the process.

I would remind her of the lesson my grandfather taught me- that the difference between stubbornness and persistence is stupidity. And that we do not see things as they are but as WE are so be careful on how quick you are to give our opinion.

And whenever she feels like she just wants to give up I will whisper in her ear- you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

And when she begins to go through the self-centered teen stage that all go through, I will make her stop and step outside every once and a while to look up the stars because you begin to look at this world differently when you realize just how small and just how big this world really is.

And she’ll know to be careful to not settle into “comfortable”. That when she finds herself knowing her own routine and guessing her own actions The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have. 

And- important life lesson dear! Always be yourself… because if you begin to water yourself down to please people, or to fit in, the freedom that being exclusively who you are, is diminished. So never grow a wishbone daughter, where your backbone ought be- love the person you’ve become, you fought hard to become her.

And when she comes crying to me with a broken heart I will remind her that, someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a situation where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity, or your self-worth to be with them and yes, sometimes you just gotta be your own hero and save your own little heart, because sometimes, the people you can’t imagine living without, can actually live without you. But don’t worry, bebe someday, your going to meet a guy and he is going to look at you with a light in his eyes you’ve never seen. He’ll look at you like you’re everything his been looking for his entire lives. Wait for it.

And on hot summer nigh,t as I coheres into spending time with me rather then her cell phone or friends, I will sigh into her hair, do you know what your mama knows? Nothing really. But I’ve learned that courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it. The brave man, sweetie,  is not he who does not feel afraid but he who conquers that fear. And when I was feeling low, I would look in the mirror and do you know what I realized …wow! after all those hurts, scars, and bruises, after all of those trails, I really made it through. I did it, I survived that which was supposed to kill me. So I straightened my crown…and walked away like a boss.

            And when she comes to be with complaints about her hair, face, or weight I’ll tell her it doesn’t make sense to call yourself ugly because you don’t really see yourself.  Sleeping in bed, curled up silent with your chest rising and falling in its own special rhythm.  You don’t see yourself reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing and you don’t see yourself looking at someone with love and care in your heart. There’s no mirror in your way when your laughing and smiling and your happiness is leaking out of you, if you did, you would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are. That your beauty is like the ocean, pretty enough on the surface but dive down into your depths you’ll find a beauty most people never see.

            And when life begins to scare her, like life tends to do to most- I will come up behind with a clap on the back to repeat that, Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower then you have ever been, to stand taller then you ever were.

 And of course she will learn the hard way, no matter how many times I tell her, sometimes you have to accept that things will never go back to the way they used to be, but two things will define you- Your patience when you have nothing and your attitude when you have everything.

            Remember chio-chan, People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Its okay to be angry, but its never okay to be cruel.

            When the tough desecions come and life if offering you a million choices -don’t be afraid to mess up, because Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer- so, be a glow stick, sometimes you need to break before you shine.

Links so you can stalk me!

Here is a couple of links for other ways for you guys to stalk me  if you so choose -

Pinterest!

I am OBSESSED with Pinterest (900 followers WOOHOO!) please join and follow- I'll give you cookies. Ok...no I wont. There will be no cookies...but you will feed a starving child in Africa! Ok. I lied again...but please feel free to send your $20 monthly subscription to me all you want, I am indeed a rarer, highly prized species: The-Always-Hungry-Orange-County-Student, we accept cash and checks :)

http://www.pinterest.com/catzyfa/

Facebook!

Oh facebook, sad sorry facebook. Myspace is looking foward to your joining the dark side.

Cassandra Midori Fernandez

Instagram!

I don't use this. I really don't...it's full of my sketches and designs, plus some candid family pics. Feel free to stalk all you want though,  who am I to deny you simple pleasure of stalkerage  ( NEW WORD!)  on the Internet

Username : catzyfa

Fanfiction isn't real literature- According to WHO?

 I am Sorry, I know this blog is dedicated to reviews and to the classics but I saw this post on pinterest and I just have to say my two cents. I know, no one gives a fuck but this must be said. The internet must know.

I have SERIOUS issues with this statement. Of course fanfiction's do. What do we categorize a "literary piece" as? I believe that great literature is something that moves you- the truly great novels that stand the test of time, ie: The Sound and the Fury, The Great Gatsby, Slaughterhouse FIve (personally MY favorite books) change the way you view the world, something that resonates with your soul. Thats what makes them are so great, because they have layers to explore, to examine the human condition, who we are, who our characters are. I have read book that have taught me next to nothing though they are considered by some "great literature", but I HAVE read ( 600 K, mind you) fanfiction's that have changed my life. They challenged how I looked at myself and the rest of the world; I really reflected on who I was because of these fanfictions, written by fellow students and stay-at-home moms. I have cried days over angsty fanfictions, felt the lose of an OC (original character) in the deepest parts of my soul. To say something isn't "real" just because it isn't published by a publishing company is absurd. I apologize for for my rant that I am pretty sure about 5% of the Internet cares about - fanfictions are one of my BIGGEST loves and I am perhaps their most obsessed fangirl- please excuse this post if it hold no interest for you. I will be posting the updated book list in a day or so, stay tuned!!

Perpetually Always, 

Cass

The List! DUN DUN DUN!

Oooook, here is the list for the books of 2014( que Star Wars theme song)! I really want to narrow it down, right now I am about at 48 but I'm hopeing to get one specific book assigned to each month and then maybe squeeze some extra books in here and there. Will you guys help me? Pick out 12 books and leave a comment below and I will narrow it done from there. Without further procrastination. THE LIST!

Pillars of the Earth

the Road

A Tale of Two Cites

The Sound and the Fury

As I Lay Dying

One Hundred Years of Solitude

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

East of Eden

The Poisonwood Bible

Gone Girl

The Color Purple

Invisible man

Brave New World

The Sun Also Rises

The Martian Chronicals

The Trial

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

A Handmaids Tale

Dune

Spin

Darwinia: A Novel of a Very Different Twentieth Centry

Kiln People

Hominids

The Secret History

The Secret History

Never Let Me Go

The bell jar

The Hogfather by Terry Pratchett

Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá

Beloved by Toni Morrison

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

Stiff by Mary Roach

Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz

Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert

A Death in the Family by James Agee

Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

In the Time of the Butterflies by Julia Alvarez

Undaunted Courage by Stephen Ambrose

Vampires in the Lemon Grove: Stories by Karen Russell

Crime and Punishment 
For Whom the Bell Tolls 
The Joy Luck Club 
Sophie's Choice 
Cat's Cradle 
Paradise Lost 
The Thousand and One Nights

I'm pasting the Link to my bookshelf on Goodreads that has all the books with their ratings and descriptions. Take a look and let me know! 

https://www.goodreads.com/list/show/47788.Books_to_read_in_2014_

Perpetually Always,

Cass

2014 I AM REEEEADY!!! ( please tell me you heard that in spongebob's voice. If not I am scared for our relationship.